blinded.

 

The sun stands alone. Shivering in a cloudless sky.

A sound, first a rustle in the thick brush.

 

Then a Sound.

The sound is a storm on legs.

 

This wave, this dark storm, crashes into my sight.

Crashes into my life. It sweeps through, closes in.

 

Running.

I run.

I turn and run.

 

I run towards where the purest of blue sky is kissing the dry soil, in the distance. Where they never meet, me longing to be where I know I can’t be.

 

To this I run.

 

I don’t look back, I have seen the storm. I know its faces. I feel it close in…closer and closer.

 

Now I hear
over the blast of silence
over my breathing
over the piercing beat in my chest

 

I hear its feet as they crush dead grass. Coming over me, It swarms me.

 

My legs are aflame. My feet feel heavy as stone. This will be the last time they feel anything.

The storm divides into five.

The storm circles me with I in its eye.

 

The bite from the back of a bayonet to the back of my head. I crash into the barren soil.

I roll onto my back as shadows cover me. The blue sky stares as the sun screams with its blinding light.

 

The faces of the dark storm are now all I see as they stare down at me. This is the last thing I will ever remember seeing.

This is what I will see for the rest of my life, in darkness.

 

Each part of the storm rains down on my body. Pain dances over me.

When they come to rest each part of the storm is sitting on one of my limbs with the last sitting on my chest facing me.

 

His eyes sound like thunder.

His eyes are the last I see, as he takes mine.

 

His knife disappears into my skull’s eye sockets….into an explosion of light and pain.

I see nothing but red….then black.

 

Then nothing.

 

 

_____________________________

Visiting old memories, I came across this. A piece I wrote years ago, a response and reaction to a article about violence in Sudan. This was to be the start of a novel I someday hope to start

…hope to finish

 

 

The Passenger

 

I weighed myself today.I realized I am now 270 pounds.I stood there on the scale and just staredand woke up.

(Hold up. Before you even think it, this is not a blog about weight-loss…but everything is everything and health and well-being is definitely a topic and theme that will come up in our dicussions on finding balance. ok, time in)

This is huge. Literally.

This is the heaviest I have ever been in my life. My friend Samantha said in reaction to the news “You are more than 100 pounds over your ideal weight for your height, it’s like you are carrying around an entire person everywhere.”

This is true. I have been carrying someone around for years.

A Passenger.

The weight is my passenger. The Weight of it All.

This weight is the embodiment, the manifestation of stress, sadness, neglect, anger. That which I have avoided dealing with and distracted myself from.

Underneath it all, is me. The real me.

The real me has been buried under me, this exterior version of me.

This Passenger.

So I want to chisel myself out from under all this, find myself spiritually, mentally, physically…literally…from under all this. It is time to part ways with my Passenger.

How many of you have a Passenger? Not necessarily excess body weight, but excess something of some manifestation in your life. The stress, sorrow, anger, frustration, inner demons, past, regret, denial, shame, grudges, uncharted memories…

This is Your passenger.

How does your passenger affect your life, carrying this person around with you, everyday, everywhere. Some passengers can be more obvious or visible than others, I think the person who sees it the least is almost always yourself.

In a upcoming blog entry continuing on this topic, I’ll enter a vulnerable place and openly share how my passenger has affected my life, how my passenger has lived my life for me, and how I have finally decided to start living my life.

My friend Jenn said to me, in regard to channeling my will and determination towards myself for a change, in order to make change:  “Your will and determination is fuckin’ potent”

I share Jenn’s sentiment with you as well as with me. Let’s embrace our inner agent of change.

.

 

About the Scale of Life

This is a conversation between you and I.

A conversation between all of us.
A conversation I have been having my whole life with myself.
A conversation you have been having your whole life with yourself.
A conversation about life and the pursuit of life.

.

The Scale

and the pursuit of balance
balance in your life
living life and living your life


scale 1  (skl)

1. An instrument or machine for weighing.

2. any of the numerous plates, made of various substances resembling enamel or dentine, that characteristically form the external covering offishes, reptiles, and certain mammals.

3. a line, numerical ratio, etc., for showing this ratio

4. to climb to the top of (a height) by or as if by a ladder

5. Music a group of notes taken in ascending or descending order, esp within the compass of one octave

6. a relative degree or extent ‘he entertained on a grand scale’

7. a progressive or graduated table of things, wages, etc., in order of size, value, etc. a wage scale for carpenters

8. Justice

9. An instrument or a machine for weighing.

10. To have a given weight, as determined by a scale

11. Balance

12. This Life

13. Life

.

.

Scale

Image by Valentina Ramos

 

Fear and Joy were having an argument

In the kitchen of my heart

Fear did not want to let Trust in

Joy was convinced it was the right thing to do

Fear wasn’t so sure

Sadness pointed out how things like this tend to end up

Trust waited patiently outside

She waited

Fear said to Joy ‘Everytime you and Trust get together, you know what happens’

Joy said to Fear ‘Everytime you and Trust get together, it allows us to move on’

Longing listened from behind the door

Lust was too busy melting chocolate to be bothered

Anger then woke up

came downstairs

Everyone always got awkward and quiet whenever Anger came in the room

no one ever listened to what he had to say

so he was always raising his voice

so he was always breaking something

which is just what he did

Surprise finally stopped teasing Anticipation and said

‘why don’t we just listen to what Anger is trying to say?’

So everyone stopped and listened

Anger dropped the dish he was about to smash

quieted down

and took Fear and Joy by the hand

walked them to the door

and said

let her in.

.